The Science of Healing: How to Move on From Toxic Relationships
Ending a toxic relationship can feel like both a relief and a heartbreak all at once. No matter how much you know it’s for the best, you can’t help but feel the emotional toll of everything that happened. If you’ve ever been in a relationship that left you emotionally drained, questioning your worth, or doubting your ability to trust, you know it’s a tough journey to heal.
I’ve been there; moving on from a toxic relationship takes more than just saying "I'm done." It’s a process that involves deep emotional work, self awareness, and a shift in how you see yourself. Healing isn't easy, but it’s possible and there are ways to make that process smoother. Let’s dive into what science says about healing emotionally, how understanding your attachment style can be a game changer, and how rebuilding self worth can help you step back into your power.
The Toll of Toxic Relationships
Being in a toxic relationship can mess with you in ways you might not even notice at first. The emotional baggage can hang around longer than you'd like, leaving you feeling stuck. As Bessel van der Kolk discusses in The Body Keeps the Score (2014), trauma, especially from relationships, impacts not just your mind but also your body. Stress hormones like cortisol shoot up, and your body remembers those emotional wounds. That’s why, even after a breakup, you might still feel like you're in survival mode.
It’s crucial to realize that healing from this kind of experience takes more than just "getting over it." It takes conscious effort to rebuild your emotional health and reclaim your sense of self. It’s not just about ending the relationship; it’s about reclaiming your peace.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Have you ever wondered why you’re drawn to certain people, even when you know they’re bad for you? The answer could be in your attachment style. This is something that starts with your early relationships, often with your parents, and it sets the stage for how you approach future relationships.
There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. If you have an anxious attachment style, you might feel less security in your relationship and feel the constant need for reassurance even when given no reason to question it. An avoidant attachment style can make you pull away emotionally, keeping people at arm’s length to protect yourself. If you understand your attachment style, it can give you insight into why you may have stayed in a toxic relationship or why you get stuck in unhealthy patterns.
For example, if you’re anxious, you might have stayed in the relationship because the highs gave you a sense of relief from the emotional rollercoaster. But when the relationship was toxic, it triggered that fear of abandonment, keeping you hooked. Understanding this dynamic is key to breaking free and learning to cultivate healthier attachments in the future.
Rebuilding Self Worth After a Toxic Relationship
When you’ve been in a toxic relationship, it’s easy to lose sight of your worth. Maybe you’ve been gaslighted, manipulated, or made to feel like you’re not enough. This kind of emotional toll can take a hit on your self esteem, making you second guess your value. But here’s the thing: You are worthy, no matter what anyone has made you believe.
Research has shown that practicing self compassion can help you rebuild your self esteem after a difficult breakup. Kristin Neff (2011), in her work on self compassion, discusses how important it is to treat yourself with kindness instead of beating yourself up. Healing starts when you stop blaming yourself for everything that went wrong and instead recognize that you deserve love and respect, especially from yourself.
Journaling is another simple yet powerful way to rebuild your self worth. It’s a place to be real with yourself, vent about your feelings, and document your healing journey. Writing down your thoughts can help you make sense of the chaos in your mind and remind you that you’re growing stronger every day.
What You Can Do to Heal
Healing from a toxic relationship isn’t a quick fix, but there are ways to support yourself through the process.
Let Yourself Feel: It’s okay to be sad, angry, or confused. You don’t have to suppress those emotions. You can let them come up, feel them, and then let them go. This is part of the process.
Create Distance: Give yourself the space you need to heal. This might mean cutting off contact with your ex (even on social media) and setting firm boundaries. Without this distance, it's easy to get pulled back into unhealthy patterns.
Seek Professional Support: Therapy can make all the difference in helping you process and heal from emotional trauma. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you reframe negative thoughts, while trauma focused therapy can help you deal with deeper wounds (Van der Kolk, 2014).
Surround Yourself with Positive People: Healing is way easier when you’ve got a solid support system. Whether it's family, friends, or even a support group, having people around who genuinely care for you can provide the encouragement you need.
Do Things That Bring You Joy: Take time to rediscover what makes you happy. Whether it’s picking up an old hobby, trying something new, or just getting outside for a walk, filling your life with things you enjoy can help you shift your focus from the past to the present. I find reading fantasy novels to be the best escape for me!
Healing Is a Journey
At the end of the day, healing from a toxic relationship isn’t about flipping a switch or expecting instant results. It’s a process that takes time, patience, and self compassion. Understanding your attachment style and rebuilding your self worth can guide you through it. But the most important thing is to remember that healing is possible.
You’ve been through a lot, but you’re also incredibly resilient. Embrace your journey, take small steps, and trust that every day, you’re getting closer to the best version of yourself!
References
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
The family dog (Ace) and Kai to this day do not get along. They tolerate one another lol.
